By Tessa Fultz, LICSW

I want to say up front, this advice is for all ages, all walks of life, for every type of relationship. Emotional abuse, conflict, discord, disrespect- sadly- happens everywhere and everyone experiences is at some point.  So parent-child, husband-wife, partner-partner, friendships, working relationships- all of them. If you really want healthy relationships, effective parenting, effective communication with others, then this is for you.

When someone keeps hurting you emotionally, you need to set strong emotional boundaries that protect you. I take that back, boundaries can include physical and spiritual, too.  Boundaries aren’t about controlling them — they’re about protecting you. And strong emotional boundaries are possible, even when the relationship feels complicated or painful. If someone repeatedly hurts you, the boundary isn’t punishment — it’s self-respect.

Below is a clear, grounded way to think about it and act on it that honors yourself and God (if having a faith perspective). God made you and wants you to be treated with honor, love and respect by yourself and by others.  I think of boundaries as walls that encase you, protecting you. You have the button to lower them when you need or want to. They help you stay connected to yourself even when someone else is unpredictable, dismissive, or hurtful.

They sound like:

• “I won’t stay in conversations where I’m being criticized or blamed.”
• “I’m not available for emotional dumping.”
• “I care about you, but I’m not willing to be spoken to that way.”
• Can you please leave and come back when you are calm and ready to talk respectfully and lovingly to me.

They are not:

• Trying to change the other person
• Threats
• Silent treatment
• Overexplaining or justifying your needs

 Step-by-Step: How to Set Strong Emotional Boundaries

1. Get clear on what hurts you

Before you communicate anything, name the patterns:

• What exactly do they say or do that impacts you?
• What emotions come up?
• What do you need instead?

Clarity is power.

2. Decide your limit — the part you can control. Take action. Follow through.

A boundary is always about your behavior, not theirs.

Examples:

• “If you raise your voice at me, I will pause the conversation.”
• “If you start criticizing me, I will end the call.”
• “If you bring up that topic again, I won’t engage.”

This is where your strength lives.

3. Communicate the boundary calmly and directly

You don’t need a long speech. You don’t need them to agree.
You just need to be clear. Do not pair it with other things. Do not blame. Ask the person to communicate like below.

A simple formula: “When you ____, I feel ____. I’m not willing to continue conversations like that. If it happens again, I will ____.”

This keeps you grounded and non-reactive.

4. Follow through consistently

This is the hardest part — and the most important.

If you say you’ll end the conversation, end it.
If you say you’ll take space, take it.

Consistency teaches people how to treat you.

5. Expect pushback — and don’t take it personally

People who benefit from your lack of boundaries often resist when you set them.

Pushback does not mean you’re wrong.
It means the boundary is working.

Stay steady.

6. Protect your emotional space

This includes:

• Limiting contact
• Shorter conversations
• Not sharing vulnerable information with unsafe people
• Taking breaks when needed
• Grounding yourself before and after interactions

You’re allowed to protect your peace.

7. Surround yourself with people who treat you well

Boundaries are easier when you’re not emotionally isolated.
Supportive relationships reinforce your sense of worth and clarity.

A gentle reminder

You deserve relationships where you feel:

• Safe
• Respected
• Heard
• Valued
• Emotionally steady

If someone repeatedly hurts you, the boundary isn’t punishment — it’s self-respect.